How My Douchey Profile Won Tinder

It’s hard to define doucheyness. Some guys can rock the summer tank top no problem and others…it sets off the douche-alarm immediately.

But if you take a step back, more than anything, it seems to be a combination of two things:

  1. Blatantly soliciting attention in a contrived way – any dude in a sports car, wearing Oakley’s; wearing jeans and jeans only to a rave; being that guy who brings his own guitar to parties.
  2. “Trying too hard” or incongruence – any white guy wearing traditional Asian garb for basically any occasion that isn’t a Japanese tea ceremony (Steven Seagal, I’m lookin at you).

From casual observation: the douche factor is rising.
And here’s the case for why:

Simply put, being a douche must get results. Standard behavioral psychology. If the behavior is rewarded, it will happen more. In the interest of science and easy poon, I took to Tinder, hypothesis in tow.

The test itself was relatively simple.
With a sample size of n=200 for two very different profile pictures, how much more likely was I to get a match (i.e. initial attraction) based purely off my level of douche.

Each wave, I would use a different picture. The user profile was the same in both cases.

Picture 1) Understated, black and white, dressed in a vest and tie. Normal, almost standard Facebook profile picture.


Picture 2) Over the top abs everywhere, surrounded by women. My old housemate was originally in this picture, but his abs were nicer than mine so I cropped him out. Again, for science.



After long periods of the mind-numbing boredom that only “incessantly swiping right on Tinder” can prove — I arrived at the following:

Doucheyness wins by a goddamn landslide (ladies, y’all are just as shallow as we are). I not only made almost 3x the amount of connections, but I also connected with more women to whom I was physically attracted.

Now this isn’t a guarantee of marital bliss or even successful dating for that matter, but even playing this as a sheer numbers game and doing nothing to intentionally spike interest, as a doucher, I come out WAY ahead.

Is there a lesson here?


Sometimes your success is more important than how you appear to other people. Maybe even all the time. If I am looking for my soulmate and I succeed…are the strangers I weird out along the way even relevant?

It just makes the most sense to play to your strengths.

Do you have to be tryhard or incongruent with it? No. Absolutely not. But you should be putting yourself in  position to naturally utilize those strengths to your advantage.

  • Maybe you ARE awesome at guitar. Well bub, it’s time to start hitting up open mic nights at your local cafe.
  • Maybe you’re rich. Show you use your wealth for more than just your own well being.

Being a douche works. But bringing actual, unpretentious, PURE value to the table — it just feels so much better. Oh and it works better, too…probably. But that’s a test for another day. Till then…happy Tindering.

Over and out,



How to be Disgustingly Good at Small Talk

*This new post is by new GuyGuides wordsmith, Rob.

To be a good conversationalist. You need small talk.

  • Maybe you don’t want this skill set.
  • Maybe you think being a chatty person is the same thing as being an annoying person.
  • Maybe you think it’s beneath you to make small talk and you’re all about “deeper” conversation


Here’s the thing. If you’re nodding in agreement, it probably means you’re awkward as fuck. No hard feelings. Nearly everyone is.

Conversation is something everyone thinks they’re good at. For about half of you, that’s not true. For an unfortunate 5% of you, that’s a lie of such monstrous proportions it puts the North Korean propaganda machine to shame. (golf claps and begrudging nods of approval for you)

The thing is when we talk, we gauge our abilities off when we talk with our friends. That’s cheating. You have history with your friends. You can read their micro expressions.

It’s easy to keep the ball rolling because you know their past, their present, ambitions, and are mutual friends with their cat on Facebook.

With strangers, suddenly that crutch is removed and every so often you’re left poking them with the question stick until it’s time for everyone to awkwardly leave. Even people who weren’t involved. It’s just that bad.

Again. No hard feelings.

Running into someone who can actually hold a conversation is borderline miraculous. It’s enjoyable, fun, and endears you to them. Everyone has a friend they enjoy hanging out with because conversation flows so naturally with them (and not so naturally with others).

What most of us don’t realize is that conversation flows easily because those friends facilitate for your flawed communication. Whenever there would be an awkward lull, they pick up the slack for you. No fear though. This isn’t really your fault, and is something everyone is capable of fixing.

Even better, conversation is the most scalable skill you will ever learn. It is SO useful and applicable so universally, it’s unreal. Literally every encounter you have with another human being is an opportunity to connect with someone who can add value to your existence.

Everyone is amazing at something, and you’re missing out when you don’t or can’t stop and figure out what that is.

Once you even attain a baseline competence at this…you will look like an amazing person and people will want to have your babies*

So how do I inspire baby fever in perfect strangers? The first of many steps is holding their attention. This involves learning how to talk like you’ve got the worst case of ADHD you’ve EVER seen.

Step 1: Begin talking about something you see.

Step 2: Once you’re warmed up, transition over to another related subject

Step 3: Now transition again.

Step 4: AGAIN.


Step 6: Now keep doing this for an hour a day for 6 months.

On transitioning: All you’re doing is simple word association and then talking about it. If I started off on apples it’d be easy for me to transition into apple cider, and then how apple cider reminds me of Christmas, and then to family holidays and how no one in my family can handle their booze because we’re all “asian glow” happy. Then I could talk about how the UCSD VA used to run a research study where they got Asians drunk, etc. etc.

As you go, you’ll find that you’ve naturally become higher energy, more interesting, and generally more attractive as a human being. This is a pain in the ass, and WILL make you look like a crazy person unless conducted in a contained environment.

I like to save this for my commute to work, but if you don’t like your neighbors and/or generally don’t care how obnoxious you get, feel free to do this in public. The extra pressure will help you improve faster….probably.

If you pay attention to any good conversation, you’ll notice it’s an exchange of statements, not question and answer.

What you’re doing through this brain hack is reprogramming your brain to run with any topic and smoothly transition into new ones with less effort. Over time you’ll develop the ability to not only tread water indefinitely, but to make it massively entertaining.

You’re welcome.


*Unless you’re a ginger. Then all bets are off.